13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
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This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
I am, perchance
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol