How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
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Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Damn he played himself
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
screw you
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home