“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
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[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?