Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
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About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*