Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
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My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.