Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
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If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*