[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
You Might Also Like
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
My daily affirmation
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
can I use a minion as a tampon
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
They got a point!
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.