Well, my evening plans are ruined
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“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat