Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
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Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back