DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
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in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Milk crates are like a Swiss Army knife for the poor…
Need a stool? Milk crate!
A bookshelf? Milk crate! A side table? Two milk crates!
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.