Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
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Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
SPLOOT
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.