Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
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Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
You’re the water to my grease fire.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.