Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
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Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
The smoothest fall of all time
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Breaking news:
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Sending in my taxes
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE