My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
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god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Born to be mild.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me