me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
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My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.