Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.