Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
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I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?