So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
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70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
Spring of Deception
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
U talkin 2 me?