A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
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Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Well well well…
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*