trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
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Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)