I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
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“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.