I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
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WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Salad is the decaf of food.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach