bury ourselves
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I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I鈥檓 probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Nooooooooo!!!
馃尨馃尶馃馃崁馃尦
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I鈥檓 not going. That鈥檚 exercise.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 馃槀
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I鈥檓 leaving
ME: please don鈥檛, I promise I鈥檒l change
WIFE: ok you鈥檝e got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I鈥檓 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you鈥檇 defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
sounds kinky. i鈥檓 in.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I鈥檓 in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?