Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
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I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
let’s discuss
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?