All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
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An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
He took my last fry, your honor
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.