[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
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Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
How did we not see this back then?
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌