OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
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I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times