Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
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He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.