I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
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Mmmm canned fish.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Rambo Rambow
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card