Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
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[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.