universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
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You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.