My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
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As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.