shit just got real
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Ghost costume 😂
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
[God creating armadillos]
Shove that mouse into a seashell
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll