Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
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ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.