[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
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If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.