Has there ever been a more American story?
You Might Also Like
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
(Gaming support cat.)
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.