{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
You Might Also Like
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!