I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
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I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
reminder
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer