My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
You Might Also Like
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
mariah carrie
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
this is what they would have looked like, though
I told my vodka about you.