ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
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Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”