BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
You Might Also Like
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
I’m just playing devils avocado here
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.