(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
You Might Also Like
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
🤣dope
“A little help here, Danny?”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
This hospital has everything
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.