[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
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Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
i don’t trust someone who says their ideal date is a “hike”
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok