My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh