I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
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I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough