He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
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You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Body by cheese-puffs.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes