For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
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My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Bloody internet 😳
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
That’s no pocket rocket.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”