About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
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I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
#ProTip
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce