The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
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[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
the answer was staring at me all along
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.