me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
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Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I can fix him.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Spa day..😅
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions